I’ve always struggled with the idea of “expectancy.” It’s an idea/phrase/state of mind that has never really been an easy thing for me to grasp. Honestly, I think I’ve been failing at it for a while now.
In itself, being expectant is not a bad thing. It’s actually quite necessary to please the Lord as stated in Hebrews 11:6. However, I’ve found myself in trouble or increasingly in doubt when certain blessings have been delayed, like experiencing things supernaturally, seeing healings, being launched into worship ministry, getting married, or finding the right job. There was never a selfish intent to enhance myself but to embrace the Lord’s purpose wisdom in these things.
I preemptively went into circumstances claiming victory for the things I was “expectant” would lead to my finding a greater purpose. I reasoned in my head that surely the Lord would answer and bring things in a timely manner since I was intent to honor Him with these blessings. They didn’t seem like anything I was idolizing, but simply normal parts of life that I wanted to consult the Lord about to receive His wisdom.
Like for any human, there was a dark season that came around. It made me believe my prayers were getting shoved to the “I’ll get to that when I have time” list. It made me wonder more about the silent years of waiting and questioning that Abraham endured upon waiting for the promise to be fulfilled.
But my heart grew distant in asking for things and my faith in the Lord was quietly decreasing. I never spoke it out loud, but one day it hit me: I felt abandoned and betrayed by the Lord. This was the silent weight I carried for years, and no one was the wiser. Except Him.
In the last few months, the finally Lord has said, “Enough! We need to talk about these weights you’re carrying around.” The Lord is so gentle and loving, but that day the authority of His sovereignty spoke loudly and clearly.
He showed me the dangers of being expectant of His gifts instead of His presence. I was astonished. All this time I thought He was ignoring me, when I was the one who had been ignoring Him. I was led to the book of Exodus and the encounter with Moses, when the Lord said:
Jealous about His relationship with me? He’s more concerned that I pursue Him than about immediately granting my expectations. Yes, He will complete them in His timing, but He alone is to be our first desire.